Ben Able: The Legend. The Myth. The Man.

The Legend: Aspirations portrayed as reality.

The Myth: Where I began to believe my own press. 

The Man: …

When I was a kid, and even into middle school, I cried a lot. Sad? I cried. Angry? I cried. Frustrated, disappointed, or embarrassed? I cried. The response was that well meaning people said things like, “You’re too old to cry about this.”  The result of endless amounts of one sided conversations like that was something that could have been predicted but wasn’t really intended.  

I stopped crying. I became soft. I became passionless and walled off. I skillfully avoided things that might evoke any emotions other than happiness. I avoided things like challenge, risk, potential failure, loss, grief, confrontation, anger, passion, conviction and belief. If I didn’t think I could do it well, I artfully made it unimportant to me. I protected my heart from the pain of disappointment and rejection. It also kept me from expressing empathy, compassion, and overwhelming joy. Walls don’t just keep things out.

No one would have described me as emotionless because I was a pro at being engaging and fun. It became so easy that I thought this person was really me. “I’m not emotional. I’m just an optimistic person.” Turns out I was wrong. If I can make people smile or laugh, I’ll do just about anything. However, in my head, I was keenly aware of how hard and rough life could be.  The problem was when I refused to engage with it. It wasn’t the first time the Lord brought that imbalance to my mind, but it was the first time I allowed it space.  This imbalance in my life was what God used to get my attention. 

The thing that well meaning people had intended to make me a man, succeeded in keeping me a child for many years to come.

Obviously at some point, I had to become responsible for what was happening in my life. The biggest hurdle was the myth. The things I thought were just the way I did things. Part of process of embracing manhood for me was finding that kid who cried all the time. He needed to be found because manhood doesn’t happen by default.  He deserved some space in my life. He had quite a few things to teach me. My wife needed him to stick around as well. She deserves to know him. After all, He’s me.