How Being Vulnerable and Self-aware Changed my Life
Dear Friends and Family,
In August of 2012, I began a season of grieving much like the one I am currently experiencing today. They started the same way…some doctor in a cold,sterile room broke the news to us. After much hope, treatment, and prayers, we would not be having a child of our own. Grief, in its many forms, has been a reoccurring theme in my life over the last decade. It comes in waves, and yet it always seems to be lurking under the surface, never really going away. I am learning that grief is a process we must walk through in life, but the way I live my life does not have to be defined by that grief. There are two life-altering factors though that have made my current season of grief so very different from the last: vulnerability and self-awareness.
The first time we went through infertility treatments we were very selective about who we let in on the journey. We chose not to tell most family and friends. My thought process was: If I can barely deal with my own grief, my own emotions, and my own opinions, how can I deal with the hundreds of others? Especially those that may or may not try to filter their words before speaking to the fragile individual I was. Because of this, I closed out most support. I shut down the thoughts of being vulnerable, and I shuddered at the idea of even making myself aware of my own thoughts, opinions, and emotions. I became hard. I became angry. I became judgmental. After learning that we did not conceive from our first IVF treatment in 2012, the emotional turmoil, and subsequent shutting out, went from bad to absolutely horrific. I lied, ran, and tried to convince myself that I was okay. In the midst of all of this I began dealing with suicidal thoughts that swung like a pendulum with the my new emotions each day. One minute I would be standing firm on the truth that the Lord is in control and that I did not have to be perfect. The next minute I would see myself as a failure, a person unable to bear fruit, unable to be honest with friends, and unable to love the Lord because I didn’t understand His love for me.
Over the next few years I went on a journey with the Lord that took me from barely keeping my eyes above water, to walking on the water with Him. It may sound crazy, but in His grace I took some radical leaps that allowed the Lord to move within the dark places in my life. During those years I quit my job twice, lived overseas & traveled for 11 months, we sold our house, and we moved to Georgia. The funny thing? Those aren’t even the radical parts. The real life-changing was when I started actually trying to apply God’s principles to my everyday life. I had to learn that life’s circumstances were going to change constantly and be out of my control. So I began choosing to put my trust in the Lord, both cognitively and emotionally, in order to deal with whatever wave was coming my way. I began to live and walk in community that pushed me to be vulnerable even when it was raw and painful. At first, this was a struggle. I hated admitting that I was mad at God, or that I wanted to die at times, or that I thought I was a failure. It took becoming purposefully self-aware, looking into my own motives, my own heart, and hashing out the things I really did not want to talk about, to understand that there is freedom in bringing it all to the “Light”. The Word constantly talks about how bringing sin, shame, and hurts to the Lord brings healing, but I for some reason thought I had to control it all. Just by taking steps to talk out my issues, be vulnerable with others, and to be actively self-aware, I began to experience healing.
On August 24, 2015, after another round of hopeful IVF, I found out once again that we did not conceive. My heart hurt, my body was exhausted, and I felt defeated. This time though we let you, our friends and family, in from the beginning. We invited our loved ones to walk beside us during this season. I have people to help remind me that my thoughts of failure and defeat are lies. I am choosing to walk in the faith that the Lord’s plans are perfect and good. He guides me daily. I am not perfect, and He mercifully does not expect me to be so. For that I am thankful. He does, however, expect me to keep my eyes on Him and my heart and arms open to embrace the next season. I am confident that vulnerability and self-awareness will continue to help me heal. For now, dear friends, we ask you to pray for us. We will continue to walk through this journey with the Lord and with you. I challenge you to join me in living a life of openness through vulnerability and self-awareness, and therefore experience healing in the dark places in your life. His goodness abounds.
With Love,
Libby
Libby and Ben,
I will be praying for you! Love you Libby ! Hang in there! Things can always happen when you least expect it to!! Love and prayers, Kathy Ponder
I know the deep emotions you are experiencing on this roller coaster journey and I can’t help but go right back to that place in my heart when I read your words. It is very difficult to go through these trials not knowing the end result. I feel and pray for both of you as God continues to work in your life through this process. I don’t know the end result, but God does and that is the best news of all.
I love you!
I am so mad because IVF didn’t work again.
I do not know anyone more loving, capable, and deserving of parenthood than you two.
I have cried and shouted and maybe said a bad word.
I wanted this for you.
You wanted this for you.
I am sad.
You are sad.
But, God is in control. He always has been and always will be.
This fact is hard for me because I want to be in control and take away all of the pain from you.
But, I can’t.
You can’t.
Ben can’t. (Although he can probably do something off the wall crazy to make you laugh!)
I wish I was there to give you a great big hug.
Just know that…
I love you!
My heart and prayers are with you and Ben on SO many levels! Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey. I love you both so much! I needed to read this so as to know I am healing my dark places of this very subject when I allow others to walk beside me! I can’t shut people out! Thank you Libby! You’ve given me so much hope!!!!!!!!!
My goodness I love both y’all. So real and so raw. Thanks for sharing this, my friend. Y’all are a blessing to know and I have no doubt that God has great “gifts” in store for your family.
Thanks for being in my life you two. Praying for y’all!
We so love you both. Even when I (we) don’t understand I have to believe He is a good, good Father. Isa 55:8
-k&j
We’ll continue to walk it out with you Libby, whatever comes. You know our door and kitchen table is always open!
Don’t think yall will ever truly know just how much of a blessing you are to our lives. God is good. We love yall! Love doing life with you.
Prayers for both of you. I’m sure y’all would make great parents. However, I hope you find peace while waiting for God to manifest His purpose and will in your lives. You have already discovered something some never find: walking in His light helps us understand He loves us in spite of our need to be in control and our shortcomings can be made into His glory!
Love both of yall!!!
Hi Libby,
You don’t know me. A friend of mine met you when you were in South Africa and sent me your link this morning. My husband and I too are in the throes of IVF’s, treatment and difficult conversations with God. October marks 5 years of being on this journey. I started my blog patientlypraying.com to talk about our journey and I agree that making yourself vulnerable to how we’re feeling is freeing in itself.
Even though we are across continents and have never met – I know that your yearning to be a mom will not be unanswered.
Sending love and hope all the way from South Africa.
Much love!
Dear, sweet Libby – my heart is so tender for you & Ben. I applaud your honesty and transparency as you go through these hard times. I’m praying that as your friends shower you with love and prayers, you feel more comfort. I love that you are trusting God for His plan for your lives, and I’m praying that He blesses that trust mightily! I love you, lady! ??
Sweet Abby…thanks for sharing. You r loved GREATLY. God has been reminding me lately that He is our Great Reward. Continue to keep Him your focus and know that u are not alone in this struggle. We love u!
Such wise words. Thank you for sharing and for challenging me with your words and your life! I love you and I am praying for you!
Libby , u r such a heavenly treasure and so is Ben ! U r n my prayers …. I know u have been a blessing to many many parentless children and I know our Father has u n the palms of His Almighty hands…. I pray that His plan for ur life continues to unfold with the highest of blessings for u both !????????I look at the pics from ur race and the many smiling faces of children that love u both and will never forget u ! The pics bring a huge smile to my soul !!!
Libby, this is so real and thus so beautiful. My heart hurts for you. My prayers are in your court. Love you friend!
I love you. Your words will change lives Libby.
The Hensons love you guys so much!! You are in our thoughts and prayers a lot. As you go through this just remember how many children’s lives you both have been a part of and the enormous, eternal impact you’ve made!
Libby and Ben,
Listen and silent are spelled with the same letters. For just a moment listen to all the blessings you are both are bring in the lives of so many men, women, and children near and far. You have been a blessing to me in ways you can never know. My heart is in pain for both of you in this moment of sorry. Remember sorry endures for the night but joy comes in the morning. Rest for just moment and know that God is with you and will continue to grant you the gift of love…
The greatest gift of all
Be blessed in Jesus name.